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17th September 2000
isildae @ : The Gallery opening part 4...
C: I smiled at him a little relieved to finally be alone. I wondered what this would be like. What I could, should say. I remember Red’s words to me ‘With Sebastian’ he said ‘upfront and honest are things he cherishes, he will respect anyone for that.’ I walked towards the railing and looked back at him wondering if he could see the want in my eyes. “I’ve been staring at your picture since before I came to Brecon” I started with a confession “I want to paint you, I mean a portrait… Of your inner beauty as the way I see you.” I stammered, being as it was hard to spit out.
S: You want to paint my portrait? I am speechless for a moment, completely dumb with embarrassment. Chris grasps my left hand as I walked closer to him and caresses my palm. I am flabber gasted to say the least, and my body warms as he presses his face as close to mine as possible I gasp!
C: I come really close to his lips and I say “If you’ll let me, for my person collection” I whispered as I kiss him softly at first holding his face in my hands.
S: The first taste of his lips is indescribable, and no dream has ever seems so real. I feel the silk of his mouth to mine, and I lean into him, a moan escaping my throat. I can’t help but wrap an arm around his waist to support myself, otherwise I would fall helplessly into the night of my desire.
C: Like pleasure it came. He was now a reason melting with every minute our kiss went on. I caressed his neck and we slip from each other lips not really wanting to. I looked into his eyes “You are the sun and the stars, and I give to you now, which will only be yours to have forever” and I kissed his check again.
S: “This must be a dream,” I whisper, not believing this could be possible “You are everything I’ve ever wanted, and yet I hardly know you- I want to believe in dreams but how can I?” I grasp hold of him tightly, feeling my world as it dissolves. I feel like a kid again, abandoned and drowning… And he is my anchor; I hang on to him for dear life.
C: I embrace him leaning my head to his I say to him “I believe in you, dreams dear are what we make of them. You are my dream, you only be real if you let it be. I promise I’ll always be here for you and you alone.” I hug him to me running my hand in his hair. Not wanting to let go, ever!
S: How can I deserve something like this? What good thing have I ever done to grant me this kind of beauty, this kind of passion? I’m still holding onto him, my face buried into his neck, I hope he doesn’t think me childish, I want him to feel for me what I feel for him… “Is this real? I mean there isn’t some mistake is there? Do you really want to paint me? I bite my lower lip as my eyes fill with a rush of hot tears.
C: “Yes it’s real, there is no mistake. I’ve never been more real about anything. When it comes to you I feel like a freed bird, open and vulnerable. Afraid to get hurt but trusting you regardless.” I confessed again. It is easy to tell him my true feelings, some how he hears me and it all pours with freedom. I rub his shoulder licking my bottom lip. Wondering if he didn’t believe me. It would hurt if he didn’t. I really don’t want my feelings not taken in seriously I don’t want him to think I am lying. “You believe me? Don’t you? I want nothing more than…”
S: “Yes…Yes I believe you. I trust you more than anything; even over people I’ve known my whole life. Everything’s always a fucking lie when it comes to me; no one is willing to tell me the truth… But you, I don’t know why, but I feel safe with you, like I know you’ll always be truthful with me. You’re an artist and you create beauty, and you tell the truth with the subtlety of you talent… How can I not believe in you? Ho can I not fall desperately in love with you…?” I’m staring deeply into his eyes, and I kiss him then, deeper than before.
C: He made my heart skip a beat maybe even two. I felt a few tears touch my cheek falling from my eyes, I was happy and relieved. He felt the same as I do. I trust him. This time in our kiss I pull him as close to as air would allow, barely leaving room for us to breathe. Wrapping my arms about him. He finally touches my face and our kiss breaks for air. “ I’m falling to, don’t be afraid I’ll catch you,” I whispered, “You won’t be alone” at this point I thought that maybe I wouldn’t be alone anymore. When I thought we’d been out here a while and it should be time for the auction.
S: there were tears streaming down my face, and I wipe at them with the back of my hand embarrassed. Then noticing he had a few tears to. “so where do we go from here?”
C: “I want to paint you” I smiled helping him wipe his tears. “but first I believe there selling a few of my paintings, then we can do whatever you want.”
isildae @ : Day of the Gallery opening part 3...
D: We played about five or six songs when we took our break and I needed some air. I went off stage and looked over at how Sebastian and Christopher were going on. I felt shattered. Many people tried to get in the middle of them but it was as though gravity itself couldn’t pull them away. Not seeing my chance I decided to go up to the roof after grabbing a glass of wine to be alone. I felt no one would ever be into me. Why didn’t I follow him in the pub? I stared at my reflection on a puddle in the gutter, am I ugly? Am I not pleasing? I took my shirt of because even though it was cool outside I was cooling fast enough, and I sat down looking over they town. He is out there, right? Or is he here I in this building being snared by Sebastian?
C: I’ve been having some rather delightful conversation with Sebastian. He’s been asking all sorts of questions. Before I could answer most of them, people started buggering into the conversation, and would be asking me about my paintings, and his modeling career. They almost started suffocating us. We were both getting a little annoyed. When his manager Peggy came up and started her crowd control. When no one was looking Sebastian offered…
S: Chris is wonderful, completely wonderful. I don’t think I could ever get enough of him. We seem to have the same taste in art and philosophy, and I had an urge to drag him off to a room for the night. He really is gorgeous, and I need to be alone with him. But it seems a thousand people are bombarding us with nosy comments. Peggy came along when I gave her my signal to distract the crowd. I lean in close to Chris, my lips caressing his ear. “Do you want to get away for awhile so we can talk…Privately?”
C: “I thought you’d never ask, that’s really no joke. For a minute there I thought I would have to be stuck in this crowd.” I said smiling at him feeling my cupid arrow flying from me.
S: “I know a place…” I reply, taking him by the hand. I lead him up a secluded stairway that led out the building and up to the roofs. With hand still firmly in mine, we reach the highest turret. By then we are pressed very close, and I can hear him breathing quite audibly. I can almost feel as though I’m utterly alone with him, somewhere outside of the world, when we both notice an outside presence. We look the same direction only to see Dylan leaning against the railing, Shirtless.
C: He took my hand, which sent vibrations up my arm. I smiled shyly hiding my face not to show him of the tingles of this sent me back to boyhood. I followed after him, him moving so quickly I almost lost him twice, and I tightened my hold of his hand. He seemed to be a pro at dodging spot lighters. Would I have to get used to that? I doubted it because painters didn’t have the following that Models have. He had taking me up to the roof. I was glad to finally have some breathing room, and to be away from the public eye. I wanted to stay by his side. When I felt there were more that his eyes staring this way. He noticed to, we both looked over by that rails to see Dylan Hart shirtless, first seeing his abs. The distraught look in his face, and drinking alone.
D ”S’cuse me gents, don’t let me keep you” as I got up a little reckless and stumbling to out my shirt back on.
C: “No, no you can stay, after all we intruded on you” I pointed out with a soft smile after all a face like that, well you know.
S: I look to Chris a bit surprised seeing as we had planned to be alone. But then why cause a problem, needlessly. “Yeah, sure, why not?” I shrug, though I move closer to Chris all the same.
D: “Are you sure, I mean I have to go back soon in a few anyway. There’s just to much going on down there,” I said claming down a bit and finally managing to get my shirt on.
S: I hunch up my shoulders a bit. He looks nervous, and I wonder why - I guess I’m nervous too as I can’t help but wonder why Chris had his eyes his while he was putting his shirt back on. Still I try and resign myself and be polite. “It’s no problem, you were here first, and we were just trying to escape the crowd. Stick around if you want.” I smile at him.
D: “Seems were all just getting away.” I laughed
C: ”I don’t even think they even notice yet,” I scoffed “Maybe you Sebastian,” I said smiling shyly in his direction
S: “Bah, I obviously didn’t make much of an impression, no one even took my picture. You the star tonight, Chris…” I wink at him. He smiles again, and I think I’m falling hard for that smile.
D: “That’s funny every eyes on you tonight, I mean Red’s well um, never mind. I don’t even think people are paying attention to my music some big break!” I scoffed. When I mentioned Red Chris’s lips made AND (O) shape.
S: “Well I think your music’s quite smashing! I wouldn’t have supported you guys otherwise, if I didn’t think you were the best!”
D: “Aye, well great many thanks for that” looking down at my watch, It was time but being so close to Chris. I just didn’t want to leave. “Well, it’s time for me to get back, lovely running into you both, a pleasure meeting you Mr. Kent.”
C: “And you as well, enjoy your evening Mr. Hart” I stated seeing him head away.
S: “Alright then, have a nice night” I say with a quick wave, It’s a bit sad to watch him leave; he’s a right handsome fellow, at any rate. But to be alone at last- Ahhh a rare treat, this is what I have anticipated all week, and it is like a dream becoming reality. To have Chris so near it sends subtle sensations up my spine. “What next?” I wonder… Would he put his hand in miner? Would the space between us close? Do I dare dream of a kiss?
10th September 2004
isildae @ : Sebastian part two...
It's Sunday morning and I spent the night with Sheila. Not intending to ofcourse, but I'd had a little too much whiskey, and she crept in with me some time during the night. She says she and Markus are an item, but I'm certain I've seen Markus with Peggy more often than not. I know Sheila's had her eyes on me since we first met, but she's a little too young and oh yeah...a girl...
The room is still dark, but there's a bit of light creeping through, and I can't see Sheila clearly. I can almost pretend she isn't there at all, or that she's somebody else...Maybe even Him. I remember him all of a sudden, how his face entranced me so, and how warm his body was next to mine, and its an exhilarating feeling, one I haven't had in many years. I'm young really, but I've never had the kind of loving relationships a lot of people claim to have. All my life I've known what it is to be alone, and to be neglected, almost to be non-existent. Its strange now to live in the lime-light, to have all eyes on me as though I was more important than my fellow man. It isn't the truth no matter how my associates make me want to believe it...A pretty face can't buy happiness they say, and they were right. So now to feel like this, to feel my body shudder and quake with remembering, over something so little as a touch and a glance. Yes it is absurd, but lovely all the same.
His eyes were like a memory, something from childhood so magical and desirable...I say I had an unhappy childhood true, but I can imagine it being beautiful, like his eyes. Chris...Christopher, like a song. His voice like music, and his body like a dancer beneath me, that's what I long for, that is what haunts my dreams.
"What if he doesn't remember?" I must have said that out loud, for Sheila is stirring beside me in all her naked glory, thoroughly unimpressive I must say. Just then Peggy barges in wearing her 50's style glasses and high heels, ready to take on the world. "Get up lazies, parties over!" Ahhh yes Peggy, tactful as ever.
Sheila rolls over looking embarrassed, so I feign disinterested, searching gingerly for my pants. "Heavy schedule again today kids..." Peggy reminds me, tossing me said pants from across the room. "Your meeting with a magazine at six, breakfast with Donavon at nine, The Semeley shoot at noon, another meeting with The Gallery at three-thirty, hair and make-up at five, and dinner with Donavon at six...Then I really think you should call your Mother, Lane, she's been hassling Markus and I all week--"
"Fuck my Mother!" I shout. Thats not what I wanted to hear about this bloody early in the morning. I head straight for the door, nearly running over Markus on my way out. I lock myself in the bathroom, leaning over the sink and staring at my own image staring back at me. What is beauty? Not this...The face staring back at me is nothing more than a mask of imperfections that resembles mostly my Father. My Mum must have thought he was beautiful once, but then she was an idiot!" Peggy's knocking softly on the door. "Sorry love, never mind all that..." She's saying, but I ignore her and begin washing my face.
Chris was beautiful...That's all that mattered.
It's already three-fifteen, and I'm bloody exhausted. Sheila's nabbed my fags, "For my health" She reminds me again. The Gallery is filled with hoards of people going this way and that, confused like a pack of cattle. I'm moving about in a daze, while Markus is tiredly trying to lead me to my destination, somewhere, anywhere I can atleast get a coffee and a nap. I've been posing for pictures, pictures, pictures all fucking day! Peggy's off discussing politic's with the Gallery Owner, wide awake and sucking up as always, and Sheila's shuffling behind her trying to learn all she can.
Markus sets me down at a table in the lounge area, and says he'll order us a coffee and a gin tonic straight away. I can hardly lift my head to thank him, so I just nod noncommittally.
I don't notice much, a lot of colors and sounds rushing past me. I must have dozed off, with my head in my lap, because I don't notice when someone comes up infront of me. "Allo mate, what's this?" I'm startled awake to see a familiar face looming above me. "Red...? Red Kensington?" I blanche. I haven't seen him for atleast five years. "S'right mate" He smiles prettily at me. "Red darling, its been ages" I jump up a little too quickly, and Red wraps a steady arm around me. I kiss him french style, cheek to cheek. "I was hoping I'd see you here love, since your me bands benefactor and all." He winks, clutching my waist a bit too friendly like. "Oh your with Dylan and the Fur Coats?" I ask, recalling the name. "Yeah sure" he says "We're set up over there on stage, me mates and I"
I glance over in the direction he's motioning to. Its a low stage with lots of space, and heavy equipment spread over it. His "Mates" are at it with their instruments, practicing like wild robots. While there singer, who's apparently at the lead takes front and centre. He's a pretty thing at that, longish hair and body, and a sweet face only a bit less boyish than mine. He looks a tad nervous, but soon he loosens up when the music starts, his hips begin to sway, and his body pulses with the rhythm. He lets out a rather spirited noise, a long note that echoes with the acoustics. The song explodes out of him, and with the help of his glam-boy mates the room was now alive with vibration and sound.
I can't help but be impressed, nevermind my tiredness. Markus arrives with my tonic and latte, setting them upon the table. "I'm up!" Red states heading for the stage, and he smiles and winks at me, in that sultry way I remember only him knowing how to do.
"If you think this is entertaining was till you see the Opening, I've never seen art as good as this, Picasso would have died with envy..." Markus is going on and on, but I'm not listening...The singer is watching me, his eyes intense, as though he's a part of the song, and so am I. I'm lost then, taken into his glittery world. Its good to dream, I think to myself. Sometimes you can't ask for anything more...
isildae @ : The First Time...
I had already been watching him for a while, five minutes at least. I arrived in Brecon a few days before, with Peggy and Markus and Sheila, for my big shoot, and the Gallery opening. I didn’t like this little rainy town all that much; I preferred New York, and the noise and lights. There wasn’t much to look at here, nothing to distract me for long, so when I saw his face I was most pleasantly surprised. He could have been anyone really, an actor or even a rock star, he had that look about him, like he owned whatever he passed. It was his face though, that caught my attention, and he wasn’t some mock-up pretty boy, or whitewashed tart, his face had authority, meaning, depth, and a beauty that just overpowered everything else.
He had been walking and had stopped to look at a poster…It was of me if you could believe it, Shelia had been spreading them all around town since we arrived, and wanted everyone to know my face. He seemed taken aback, almost startled, and I couldn’t help but smile, as he must of liked what he saw. It wasn’t that impressive a portrait, as I was a lot younger and inexperienced when I took that shoot, but Markus and Sheila insisted that it made me seem innocent, and that my eyes were clearer then, before the wear and tear of drugs and years kicked in.
We were at a café, and Sheila had ordered me green tea “For my health” she said, and I balked. I already smoked too much, among other things, why did she even bother? “It’s going to rain,” I kept on saying pointedly at Peggy, who had been watching me. “I can’t afford to get wet you know, I was up at four getting made up, if you remember?” Sheila rolled her eyes and Markus smiled in that annoyingly know-it-all way of his. “Look at that wank gawping at your looks, as though he’s never seen the like,” He said, pointing toward Mr. Beautiful, who was only a few yards away. “He should take a picture it’ll last longer,” Peggy laughed, and soon the three of them were in fits. “I told you you’d make an impression Lane, people in this hole have never seen a fancy puss like yours.”
I ignored them and continued to watch…He really couldn’t take his eyes off me, when in truth he was the one to be stared at, with eyes so blue, and hair that moved silkily against the harsh wind. Before I knew what I was doing I began writing on a napkin in front of me, I couldn’t just leave things to fate this time, I had to plan ahead and I wasn’t letting that gorgeous creature get away.
I was up and walking towards the bridge before my associates could register that I was gone, and there was no stopping my actions. He didn’t noticed me, even as I got close, his eyes still on the poster. He was even more beautiful up close than I thought, only a bit taller than me, with strong shoulders and lean muscle showing beneath his jacket. He began taking a few backward steps, in that funny way people do when they’re not thinking, and before I knew it he’d run smack into me. I landed on top of him and could feel his hard body beneath me…I gasped. “Oh I’m sorry!” He kept on saying, and then he saw my face. Recognition crept into his wide eyes, and he made a noise in the back of his throat as though he couldn’t even believe what he was seeing. “Its no problem” I said trying not to smile too much. I made my face a mask, so he wouldn’t see my longing. I had never seen anyone like him, and probably never would again. Before I could breathe I felt a hardening in my pants that was unmistakable. He was stammering his name…Chris.
I couldn’t help but smile then, and I may have mouthed his name beside myself. His lips looked so soft and pliable, and his face held a gentleness that I couldn’t have seen from far off. I had my hand on his arm as he was helping me up, had he felt the telltale sign between my legs? Heat burned into my cheeks. He was brushing me off and apologized again, his hands were firm but tender, and the feel of them on my body wasn’t helping my condition any better. I took his hand and shook it, feeling the grooves and calluses in them, not wanting to let go, never wanting to separate myself from him “See you then,” I might of said as I let go, and began to walk away. He looked enamored and a little disappointed, but he couldn’t say anything as I left. I turned away from him sadly, not knowing whether he noticed the note I left for him in his right hand. “Hey I really like your face,” It read. “Meet me at the Brecon Gallery of Arts opening. 6pm, Saturday.”
And that as they say, was that. Later on in my Hotel room, Sheila and Peggy were in a buzz picking out jackets and trousers for me, even though I knew they were too big. Markus was on his cell in a debate with my manager over my appearance at the opening, how long I should stay, and what I should talk about (If anything). I wasn’t paying any attention though, all I could see, think, hear, breath was Chris. His deep eyes, his warm hands, and spicy scent. I leaned against the windowpane, hugging my knees. ‘Would he come?’ I thought. ‘Or would he just stay home and forget all about me?’
What would I do if I never saw him again, they’re lots of pretty faces in the world after all, including my own. But I’d never seen anything like his, and never would again. This was something new and strange for me…was it love? Well, was there ever any doubt?